I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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