i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
