Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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