we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
