Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize