hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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