Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
