my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
