I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
