areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
