You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
