i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
