from now on my penis is your penis
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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