How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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