I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
