i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
