I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
