my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was confusing and full of hummus
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
