6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We left an ass print on the piano.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
