I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
