I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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