Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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