The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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