1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
