I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
