as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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