Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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