Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
