It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that