My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My liver is preforming stress tests.