i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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