4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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