last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
