Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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