apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
