Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
