Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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