I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
