i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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