I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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