I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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