I won't be sarcastic... just naked
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize