Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You dont lie about slip and slides
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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