he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
