even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
