she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
