the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You have to summon your inner elephant
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You don't make any sense
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