Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
