yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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