Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Soap is not a condiment
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Randomize
