She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
