Cold hands, warm shart.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
