Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
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she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
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Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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