I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
