Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
what day is it and did you see me today?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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