Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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