I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
How's work?
Spinning.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
