White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
